Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
i feel like destroying something. just destroy, break something. make it into tiny little pieces that cant be fixed. watch it change from something to useful to something that is nothing but remains. just little bits of what it used to be. a physical representation of what i feel.
and i'm crying. just great. why does it kill me so much?
Saturday, April 7, 2012
the inability to feel beautiful
i dont know why it matters so much. but it does. i know i should not, but all i know is that everyday, i feel like im dying a little bit inside. all this when its not supposed to even matter. but nobody really understands do they?
shopping is traumatising for me. as much as i love looking at the colors and designs and all, but when it comes to trying them on, i get spooked. i dont know maybe it's just all the clothes that are there. but mostly i think it's the dressing rooms. with their huge mirrors, harsh light and numerous reflections. i dont like looking at the mirror. sigh.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Coffee + Tyson walk + Cutting Onions
What a day...
6 April 2012. Special for a reason. :) (five)
And so today praveen decides to surprise me at CMR Central by dropping by unannounced apparently appearing out of nowhere when he was supposed to sadau-fying (rotting) at bangalore. Haha. unfortunately. Its hard to surprise me. :P unless its actually something i totally didnt expect, like being asked out :P so anyways, i'd kinda guessed he was going to come. haha. i am glad i was right. i'd have been upset if he wasn't in vizag. unfortunately he had to come when i was feeling particularly unglam.
ah well. i dont know. i guess its that time of the year. every year i have this one time when i feel completely and totally horrible about myself. my self confidence, self esteem, glamour quotient, high spiritedness is at an all time low. like really low. i just feel like a waste. i feel like i'm useless at everything. so i rarely even bother trying to do anything. i have absolutely no belief in myself. i stop trying to take initiative, so i just listen to others. do what they tell me to, without taking responsibility for anything.
on the other hand. it's good. because this is the period when i retreat into solitude for a while. i just observe things around me. i think about different things. i like the thinking. and i do things i dont usually do. haha, it feels like i'm moulting. i dont know how its like moulting exactly, but thats what it feels like. like my personality is slowly changing and evolving into something else.
this year, i feel like expanding what i know. i realise that i have a very narrow outlook. there are very few things that i am aware of. very few things that i have been exposed to. this year, i'll work towards experiencing more of life. learning more about different things. there are 24 hours in a day. i shall use them wisely.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
02.04.2012 - mumbai, hyderabad and swiss, all in one day. :D
i realise i should stop trying to be someone i'm not. No matter how much i'd like to be that person. if it's not me, i'll just end up making a bigger fool of myself trying.
but that does not mean i don't change, i don't develop, i don't adapt. i do. but i dont force myself to be someone else. i don't hate myself for not being it. i don't feel inadequete because of it. everyone has their own talents. i have mine.
i went to mumbai last monday. it was fun. and it was an enlightening experience. i guess i learnt a lot. about myself. oh and of others too. for some reason. i dont know. i suddenly felt like a barrier had broken within me. like that wall i'd built to keep my own feelings away from me, was slowly coming apart. breaking away. it was like i'd suddenly decided to stop being so controlling of my own feelings. to give my own brain the freedom of thought. the freedom to think evil of others. haha. the freedom to get irritated. :P it's a nice feeling. i may be changing. but i guess change is the unchangeable law of nature, as Radha Ma'am puts it.
we all evolve day by day. it is just about taking it a moment at a time, and living life truly and fully.
