My mom has done an amazing job of ensuring we never felt the lack of a father. 

But there are times I yearn for some guidance and help that only he could have offered. Things like work advice. Bad bosses, incompetence, etc. our similar personalities would have helped. (I was too young to even know we had similar personalities back then) 

Anyway. Today, something happened that made me feel like Dad’s trying to tell me he’s looking out for me, even if he can’t directly give advice. He’s my guardian Angel. 

He made a difficult work situation work out in a manner I never thought would work out. And it all happened post midnight. 

Thanks dad, for making me feel blessed. 

 Hello. It's 2020. Can you believe it?

It's been 5.5 years since I last wrote anything on this blog. In all this time, I have:

1. Gained admission in a premier engineering institute of India (Currently still the most defining phase of my life)

2. Made some amazing friends, met beautiful, wonderful, awe-inspiring people

3. Joined the institute dance team (The most defining part of the most defining phase of my life) 

4. Entered a 4.5 year long relationship

5. Been through some drama I never thought I would be part of

6. Saw my sister get married 

7. Graduated from college 

8. Been recruited into a premier management consulting firm (something that gives me a lot of external validation)

9. Ended a 4.5 year long relationship

10. Colored my hair 3-4 different colors. 

11. Created an Instagram account

12. Still haven't figure out my true purpose and meaning of life. 

13. Still haven't fucking volunteered

I am in a phase of my life where everything is changing now. I have ended a 4.5 year long relationship, that in hindsight I feel like I should have ended a long time ago. Reading the post I had written way back in 2013 gives me chills, because deja-vu. This yearning for freedom, the dreaming about potentially ideal and non realistic romantic fantasies, the inability to face the truth for fear of hurting/ disappointing the other person. I never really changed, did I? Maybe I was just trying to prove to myself that I wasn't going to make the same mistake I did earlier. And I ended up making the exact same fucking mistake. This time though, it wasn't 4.5 months. It was 4.5 years. And the debris of this broken relationship goes far beyond broken hearts, to unfulfilled dreams and aspirations. 

Leaving this relationship feels like the right thing to do. Because the minute I felt free from its shackles, I felt free from carrying the responsibility of the other persons happiness, I feel like my mind is just running around in its new found freedom. Like a golden retriever having zoomies. I'm dreaming of N-number of possibilities and options. Things I never dared dream about before because I was scared of having sources of happiness in my life outside of the relationship. This would just expose how fragile that relationship was, and make me want to leave it. 

Anyway. I feel like I am poised at the edge of some big new discovery. Some discovery that will help me figure out life. I love that I am now taking out time to talk to people who are in different fields, apart from the set paths that we keep hearing about. (Consulting, then PE/VC) 

So, I recently have been having this big major epiphanies. 

1. We literally are the authors of our own lives. I know life isn't all that black and white, but I feel like we can choose between either writing ourselves a good resume, or writing ourselves a good life story

2. I owe it to myself to find out more about the paths less taken - I never in my life thought I would become a consultant. It definitely wasn't easy to get through the process, but I do feel like it was the most convenient option at the time. If I could get persuaded into a career option that NEVER featured ever in my "I wish to do this" list only because I had a lot of visibility on it, then I owe it to myself to get visibility on that list of 10 other items that have seemed remotely appealing to me. I cant lose track of them only because I didn't venture to talk to people in the field.  

3. If McKinsey has got one thing right, it's that your values need to be your compass in life. You really need to figure out what truly matters to you, and use that to direct you life choices. If you don't lay it out in black and white, it's very easy to just keep moving in directions of the herd. To be swayed by the resume building aspect of life. 

This post is for me to sort out my own thoughts. To understand my expectations and reasons (honest reasons)


Reasons/expectations in no particular order, except for how they occur to me.
1. I want to spend some time away from the people whom i know.
2. I want to explore a new city, from a temporary resident's point of view.
3. I want to learn more about the cause i'll be working for, and also understand the scope of how i can help, with regards to any thing that i feel strongly for.
4. I want to understand my own thoughts and feelings regarding certain issues, and learn more about the issue so i know how i feel about it.
5. I also want to know how i can help, i want experience, i want to be tossed into situations i would not expect.

No matter how difficult everything seems. the only important thing is that you wouldn't want it any other way.

i want to be able to live every day, no matter how hard, and go to sleep (or not), thinking, i wouldn't want it any other way.

i know what it is like to feel ugly.

it is a horrible feeling.i believed that i was the most imperfect person on the planet. everytime i went to a trial room in a shop, i'd cry. my self confidence was at rock bottom. everywhere i went, i would scrutinize people see if they were perfect where i wasn't.

i thought that being ugly made me worthless. in fact, i honestly started believing that people were only as worthy as they were good looking. our world does run on physical appearance doesn't it? and no matter what i did to make myself pretty, it was never enough. i still didn't have THAT quality. even if my eyes were big and beautiful, i still had 36490587 things wrong with my face and body.

i still remember that feeling. insecurities can eat you alive.

but at some point in time, i don't know when.. i stopped paying attention to it. i don't know what happened. but maybe i'd just gotten so used to dying a little inside when i remembered my flaws that i had nothing left inside to take away, so i just stopped caring. Thankfully, over time, i've healed. in fact. now i feel beautiful. i feel confident, i feel sexy.

my flaws don't have the power they used to have over me anymore.

of course i'm still hairy, of course, my underarms, knees and all are still dark. but to me, my flaws have disappeared. i just don't see them anymore. i have become free from my own demon.

______

i was reading uglypeopleproblems. i can so totally relate to the things on that blog. but thankfully, in past tense. i no longer feel that way anymore.

i keep telling people i dislike america, and that i don't know why.

but i do know why. it is because everyone there is pretty. they all have perfect bodies. they all have nice skin. and they all use make up and millions of products, so they look better.

coming to india has been great for my self confidence. because over here, looks dont matter as much. nobody even uses makeup, except those rich girls in rich colleges.

i am glad., it has given me a chance to breathe, and a chance to break free. i am slowly building my strength. so that this fort of self confidence i have built around myself does not break at the first sight of perfect underarms. just a small break in self deprecation has been enough to open my eyes to my merits. and now i am beginning to accept my flaws, not to resent them.

so many many many things to do.

so many things i've been doing wrong. i think it's time to take a step back and apologise.

i'm sorry for all the bad things i've done. i'm sorry for spending so much money. i am sorry for being so short tempered. i am sorry for not being efficient. i am sorry for not helping out. i am sorry for not caring anymore. i am sorry for caring too much. i am sorry for wanting to run away. i am sorry for not being perfect. i am sorry for enjoying myself i am sorry for getting things easy, i am sorry for making you feel bad, i am sorry for things i should have done. i am sorry for being sorry.

i do not intend to use the word lightly. for all these things that i mention, there's a little pang inside when i remember.

i hate you. i really do. i hate you for making me feel guilty. i hate you for beiing the self deprecating bitch that you are. i hate you fr making me want to change myself so i can tell you to your face that i am not the person you think you are. i hate you for being the way you are. for not thinking you're good enough. for making me scared to face the truth. it was all you. uyou know how you used to send me texts aboutt all that shit about how we may not last and how you were overshadowing me? fuck you bitch it was all true. and remember me telling you no, no its not like that? well fuck you cuz that was me afraid of what itd do to you if i told you the truth.

you know hw i used to tealk to you about being free and all that? like a bird? screw you cuz now this is what i was talking about. being free. no strings. no care. and no information whatsoever. talking to you was like walking in a mine feild god knows what one wrong step you take and bam! an explosion, and me losing hope. always that hopeless feeling. hell yea im a bad people's person. but you? no you were just adamant. you dont want to be helped. or actually no. you WANT something. i didnt have it. i didnt have the ability to understand you. but you you're amazing. you just so desperately wanted something out of it, you imagined that i was that. that i somehow had a magic wand that made you feel better./ good lord what an imagination you had. but you know? now i realise. you were trying to fit me into that jigsaw puzzle youy made for yourself. but i was the wrong peice you get it? but no you tried. you tried. cuz you wanted me to be that completing peice. oh i tried to. i tried for your sake naive girl i was. i tried to bet that peice. i just lost myself in the process. somehow all i sem to remember is the oppressed feeling.

but now i feel alive. i can talk to whoever i want. i can dream of getting any job i want. i can paint romantic scenarios in my head about what i want, and not feel guilty.

i didnt leave you cuz you were dark, ugly, smelly, fat or any shallow. i didnt ;leave you because you arent sensitive enough, dont kno how to impress a girl. i didnt leave you because you're a jerk. i didnt leave you because you are in some way lacking as a person. i didnt leave you beacuse you're imperfect. you, you're amazing. and i mean it. but you're not my puzzle.