jealousy, intimidation and a whole lot of fear.
everytime i see someone better, i get scared.
everytime i know im not the best at something, i get scared
i look at the world around me. i see so much talent. i get scared.
i'm scared. scared that i'm gonna get drowned amidst all this talent. hidden beneath people who are better. overshadowed by those who can do so much more.
i see someone who talks well, i see someone pretty, i see someone who dances well.
its like i got stabbed. i become jealous. i feel like retreating back into my shell. so no one knows i'm not as good.
i'm scared of trying and then failing. setting high expectations, and then failing.
now more than ever, i've become acutely aware of my fear of disappointment. letting others down, letting myself down. i'm scared that people are going to laugh at me. think i'm not all that great.
you know that feeling you get when you work so hard for something, and yet dont get it? look at all those shows.. dance india dance, masterchef, the olympics. people see the winners. i see the people who tried. who tried so fucking hard, but couldn't.
i don't want the pain of not getting what i want. so i simply not want at all.
i dont remember having truly wanted something. having wanted something so bad that nothing else in the world matters.
except maybe for getting into NUS High. that little dream i had when i was in primary school, and finally did get fulfilled. it felt great.... but now,. i'm just too proud to fail.
ego is a horrible thing isn't it?
